Sometimes, I feel like I'm living beneath the shadow of someone elses. No let me rephrase that -- ALL THE TIME, I feel like I'm living beneath the shadow of someone elses. And no matter what I do, I can't seem to escape it. I try so hard, despite my previous choices, to pave my own path -- but somehow, the other person would choose that same path I'm going to. For lack of better terms, it is VERY VERY annoying.
I feel like I can't seem to make my own choices, pave my own road -- I feel like I'm consistently repeating someone elses journey. I'm sorry, but I want to be my own person. I want to do something differently in a positive way; that sets myself away from that person. I want to be able to do something positive that doesn't give me that nagging feeling of dejavu. It is seriously driving me nuts. I feel trapped in this box that I've been trapped under for years --- and no matter where I go, what I do, I am still stuck in that!!!
I know that I can do something differently that no one has done, I know I'm capable of rising to the occasion, but I feel as though half of the time it's too late to rise to that occasion. I had a chance after highschool to do something differently, to choose my own dreams and choose my own journey -- but I was stifled and forced to follow someone else's path. And now, here I am stuck with this road that someone already has walked on, and involuntarily following that person like a zombie. I feel like I'm out of control with my own destiny, I feel like no matter what I do I will always be forced to follow that person's footsteps, because for my parents, it's the safest thing to do.
Sometimes, I feel as though my parents lack the confidence in me. In actuality, I force myself to be confident of myself no matter what my parents think, no matter what any of my family thinks.
And I am so absolutely sick and tired of my family judging who I love. Yes, he makes mistakes. But you know what, at least he's trying. It's unbelievable how they give my sister's boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, five million times, whereas mine -- any little mistake he makes, he's burned in hell for. I am so sick and tired of this. I already have enough to worry about.
And yes, was I forced to follow my sister's footsteps?!!! ABSOLUTELY. Now, I am MISERABLE. Do I hate mainly being a nurse because she already is one??!! YES!!!
I can BE something else, I didn't need to be stuck in this career field because she happens to be there. I didn't need to be forced into someone elses passion. I could have been something else different, something positive that will YES, feed me and clothe me and shelter me; AND YES, SHOCKINGLY ENOUGH, something that I actually LIKE!!! Nursing is not the only damn field in this society that can help you survive; I don't know where my family gets that crazy thinking. What makes them think that I'm not capable of doing anything else but nursing?!!! How dare they lack the confidence in me?!!! Wasn't I in the honor rolls throughout my entire life?!! Didn't I receive academic praises throughout the years I've gone to school?!! Haven't I receieved scholarships after scholarships after scholarships?!!! How can they even limit me to only one FIELD that I didn't even want to go into, that I was FORCED to do to make them happy!!!??? Why couldn't I do something that I wanted to do?!!! Why did they think that I wasn't capable of anything else?!!
Does it make me angry??!! Yes.. So angry, that everyday I wake up somewhat bitter and spiteful.
And now, here I am, stuck. Am I going back to school? Yes, but I have wasted years that I could have avoided. I could have been what I've been wanting to do now, instead of going back to school all over again. Am I psychologically damaged in that somewhere in the back of my head, I'm thinking, maybe nursing is the only thing for me? Yes. My parents made me think like that. I can't help but have a twinge of low confidence. I feel like I keep hearing my parents whisper in my ears -- telling me that I'm nothing but someone else's shadow.
I want to scream.... I want to cry... Sometimes, I want to turn back time. But would it have all been done the same way? Would it have been that no matter what, I would have found myself stuck again? It's not fair. It never has been. I wanted to be my own person. I didn't want to be looked at as someone who is just following someone else's life. I didn't want to be overlooked at, because someone already did what I am doing. I deserve better than that. Nobody deserves to be forced to live a life they didn't want to. Everyone has the right to make choices. Why wasn't I given that right?
1 comment:
Hi, Coz!
"Everyone has the right to make choices. Why wasn't I given that right?" You are correct. Everyone has the right to make choices. And that includes you. The question with all rights is we must exercise them. You just look at the world and you will realize that in some areas in the world, the right to free speech, for example, takes a lot of courage. You die just by speaking something different. In the US, it took courage for Rosa Parks to refuse to give her seat to a white man. But that seemingly little thing she did sparked the end of racial segregation.
What's the point here? That it takes courage to be different. The well-trodden path is easy and comfortable. When you get a bit older maybe you will learn to forgive a bit more your parents choices for you. You need to objectively realize that your parents have their mental and emotional limitations. Within those limitations, they thought that making you a nurse is the best choice they could give you.
But you also must face the truth that you are responsible for the road you've taken so far. If you had more courage, you could have stood up for what you wanted. (Did your parents know you wanted to become something else?) Your parents might have thought you love them less for doing so but in actuality, you're loving them more by becoming fully the person you're meant to be. Be that as it may, make that choice now. You still could be whatever it is that your heart really wants you to be. Be sure of what you want. Then, as Nike says, "Just do it!" The only limitation really is your unwillingness to be that person, to pay for it through hard work, discipline and prayers.
I could share with you so much more through my own journey. Email me if you want. For now, you go girl! The future is as wide as the sky, and as limitless as the hope and faith you have in yourself and in God who made you great.
Love you, Ivy!
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