.On guard.

For the first time, I am actually excited about my work. I was afraid I wouldn't ever reach to that point, considering the circumstances, but I did. And it's a really great fresh feeling.. to be finally excited about something that you do for a living. Maybe it's just the idea of it, the excitement of it - not really knowing what's going to walk through that door, but yet you have the tools for it, so you are somewhat ready..... a controlled chaos, I might say.

Anyway, just some random thoughts as per usual. But, I'm at the place where I'm finally able to sit down and be ok. Can you believe that??? That's scary, because I don't really know if I should be feeling that way! I don't even know if I'm allowed! The world is in such dilemma, I'm afraid to feel that way. To finally not be antsy, to just sit there and be OK. But then again, am I really sitting down and feeling ok? Because at the end of the day, I get scared for feeling good. So yet, I really am not just sitting down and being at ease, because regardless it scares me. Therefore, that defeats the whole purpose. ha! Maybe it's just my personality... to never really be at ease. I wonder when I'm 90 years old, I'll still be worrying.

My husband thinks all I ever do is worry; and that I never really enjoy things because I'm always worrying. Maybe it's just a part of me, maybe it was always ingrained inside me to be constantly worrying -- to be always on guard. My husband thinks it's such a negative asset... but, in some ways, maybe it's not always negative. Maybe in someways, it's actually a positive outlook in life; because it keeps you on your toes. Sometimes life comes at you like a non-foreseen tornado; or a tsunami; so maybe being constantly worried will help you survive that tornado, because you were always ready for it... Because you were always on a defense; with all your tools and what-not -- ready to fight that tornado... So is it a good thing to always be on guard, always ready to for that battle? I'd have to say it is.... I'd have to completely disagree with my husband -- maybe it is a good thing!